Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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