dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
