I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
4 words: hood of his car
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
