Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
