YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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