Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
