I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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