I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The power of my boobs compel you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
