Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
