whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
