dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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