In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
