my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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