I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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