it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
