Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
