I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
