Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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