I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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