About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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