Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
