this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
