Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize