So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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