Screwed.edu
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There's always time for handjobs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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