she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
