Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
