oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
