looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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