so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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