So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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