the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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