I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
