oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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