I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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