sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
