just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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