you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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