i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
