I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize