I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
