Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
