Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just pynch a tree in the face
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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