we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
