I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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