So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she peed on how many people?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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