that's an acceptable place to lick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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