Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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