I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
sex in a hospital.. check
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think i got beer on your cat.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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