he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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