onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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