Your face is a jimmy john
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
