I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
