if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
