I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
