I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
