Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
