I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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