I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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