i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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