Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
