The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
