I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
