apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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