i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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